warhammer40kfanonfandomcom-20200216-history
Talk:Imperium's Wyverns
Not dogging anything but it would roll off the toung better as Imperial Wyverns or Emperor's Dragons or something of that style. Imperium's Wyverns comes of as kinda clunky to read and say. Otherwise I have yet to do much reading but if I find the fluff sufficent feel free to put some fluff about the River of Exiles, a project ive been working on and will soon probably warrent a page for its resident Exile Sector.T42 (talk) 23:32, August 12, 2015 (UTC) If they do end up fighting alongside the river: go ahead and connect them to my Tricamerate Pact units- they're in the area as well. --BrowncoatMando (talk) 01:34, August 13, 2015 (UTC) Oh! Sorry about the name, I was trying to avoid Imperial but, if it sounds funky then I guess I did more harm than good with "Imperium's". I'd be excited to write about the Wyverns involvement in the River of Exiles! I actually took a good look at that article prior to getting my screenshots up haha. Along with the Pact. Lmpwrkr (talk) 11:41, August 13, 2015 (UTC) Well she certainly is not bad, I've seen much worse fluff in my day here. I do like that you sprung for them being a young and spritely Chapter with nought the ancient uber awsome wargear of the others, the mention of Chapter Serfs manufacturing more common weapons in the Chapter forges is a very nice touch when talking about shortness of supplies. Now as for this qoute, "These marines are to sacrifice everything in the name of the Imperium and the Emperor, and keep his light shining.", well heres the thing that basically explains every single loyalist space marine since the Great Crusade. Space Marines are fanatically trained super soldiers with nought the capacity to do anything LESS than throw themselves on their own blades for the Imperium of Man. I get that this is a proud quote from the Chapter Master but in that case perhaps you should make it somewhere in the intro over the section using the qoute template. Now onto their recruitment. I must say that I see you going in various right directions on this front, but the writing is pretty clunky. As you are Swedish I understand that English is not your first language so thats understanable, if you want I could maybe try and streamline the writing a little bit for you or at least give you ideas as to better the flow in chat. Anyway, you mention the population of the world of Azakos being soft, but then no further mention as to how or why. Is it like an Agri-World and the people are just simple farmers? Is it just a particularly nice Civilized world that is modernized but not a cesspit of humanity like the neighboring Hive World? I do like that they take voulenteers from Azakos, perhaps make something cultural out of that within your Chapter, Asakosian Wyverns could be more duitiful and proud in their position and service while the Naz'akosian Wyverns could be more dour and practical, creating a little bit of a rift between the two that often incites a bit of internal strife. Just an idea mind you. Also you don't have to mention that the planet's names are alike, its common within star systems populated by human beings for the planets to have naming conventions. Also, the mention of utilizing recruits in Underhive gang extermination seems legit but might intail that the Chapter takes a bit more intrest in day to day poltics of their home system more than other Chapters, how do they actually intereact with the people they live around? Finally, understand that any Chapter has very harsh training for any and all recruits regardless of how benevolent the Chapter is, its just the nature of the beast. Expand upon why your Chapter's brutality is exceptional enough to note. And as for the little bit of culture you gave with the recruits being hotshots, I like it, but perhaps have this expand to the whole Chapter, they are young and bold, it would be understanable if it was a Chapter of eager hotshots and add a bit of flavor. Upon reading their culture, this Chapter sounds like a textbook Imperial Fist successor, proud, tough, and would rather die than give an inch to the enemy. I like it, and it befits their young nature. However I would drop the all out assault bit and sort of make them a turtle Chapter. A Chapter that utilizes fortifcations and bombs the hell out of the enemy with good old fashioned artillery, and then moves in for the kill in a straight up hammer blow of Assault Marines, Termies, and Tacticals. A bit of the Anvil and Hammer as opposed to Hammer and Anvil, or I guess you could just call it the "Hammer and Bigger Hammer" approch. I also like how, while they are not a Chapter of elitest jerks they are still reasonably cold to the rest of the Imperium on a personal level. However, please explain that as they seem to take a pretty active role in at least one of their recruitment world's criminal justice system, it seems out of character the way it is currently presented. Okay a few FINAL notes. First off, it would do you no harm to adopt the more standard catagorization of the page, what I mean is that your headings and subjects are kinda everywhere, look at some of our more bog standard Space Marine articles or the How Too page on Space Marine Chapters to get a feel for how your sections should be organized. This is only so she is easier to read. Second, I see what this chapter is and what it could become, I think you really need to flesh out alot of their fluff and how it makes them different from other Chapters. You see there are a whole lot of Space Marine Chapters that can be described as stubborn and a little cocksure, who stand proud as sons of the Emperor and guardians of his Imperium. But you have to make it your own persay, add some more background into why they think this way, and how do they behave in this manner that makes them stand out from your bog standard preception of what a Space Marine simply is as a matter of course. T42 (talk) 16:38, August 13, 2015 (UTC) Ooph, that was a lot. Well first off thank you for going through the entire page, hope it didn't take up too much of your time! I really appreciate that you actually went through the entire page rather than being general, it'll help a lot in rewriting this chapter and getting their fluff ironed out. I wish I could provide a long, lengthy post back to you but, I don't have much to say. I'll get working on the issues ASAP, and if I'm not overwhelmingly inspired by doing work on the siege. The best and most respectful thing I could do at least would be to correct everything you've noted! At least, so I hope! And sorry about any horrid, cringe worthy stuff. This is more an I-do-when-I-feel-like-it thing, since I'm in a WH40K stage right now haha. Also, I'm actually from the USA, New York to be exact, though I am a citizen of both Sweden and America. Left America quite a few years ago so, I wouldn't be surprised if my English has gotten reeeaally rusty, we have English classes here in Sweden but they feel more like a reminder of the language than actually improving it. So, yeah, back to editing and such! Hopefully this is a lot better after a good few weeks of edits. Thanks again! Lmpwrkr (talk) 17:14, August 13, 2015 (UTC) Oh hey this stuff is far far far from cringe worthy, it just needs a bit more flash to set itself apart from the generic rank and file really. And please, take everything I say as suggestion, not gospel. This is your Chapter, I am only here to offer some pointers that I think maybe might help.T42 (talk) 17:22, August 13, 2015 (UTC) What I think this chapter lacks, is further content. Seriously, rather well thought chapter. I really like how the chapter is not the oldest, bestest, zealousest, et cetera. You could take a few read-throughs to tackle the writing mistakes especially at the end of the page. Segementum is written Segmentum. Keep up the good work! --Remos talk 22:16, February 17, 2016 (UTC) Ah, thank you so much! I'll certainly go back at this every now and then, especially rewriting that introduction, dearlordIdonotapproveofmyoldwriting. And I still intend on writing about the Siege of Azakos, since it was so crucial about how the Chapter came to be, so I'm not done with it entirely. Thank you again! Lmpwrkr (talk) 12:06, February 19, 2016 (UTC)